Month 3, Day 12

Fertility Clinic Visit:
Another dose of Orgalutran and Puregon injections.
Apparently it looks like my right ovary is producing like 6 or 7 eggs, but only 3 of them is expected to "work."  And apparently my left ovary is on vacation, only producing one egg.  My left ovary is lucky...I want to be on vacation :S
One more visit tomorrow and then most likely IUI on Tuesday and Wednesday.

I guess I'll have to cancel my naturopath appointment.  This is what makes it hard...when I'm just not sure that I'm supposed to do acupuncture.

Still so tired...kinda can't wait for the break from having to do my early fertility clinic visits after Wednesday.  Although I'm not looking forward to the IUI procedure.  The last time I did it, I had really bad back pains for a week.  I think it was because I braced myself for the pain...it hurts when they try to open your cervix!!

Month 3, Day 11

Fertility Clinic Visit:
It's looking like my eggs are growing nicely.  I had to get another does of Orgalutran and Puregon.  Gosh I feel tired.  As soon as I got home, I zonked out for 2 hours!  My poor husband was waiting to go for lunch and was getting hungry!

I don't know if its a good thing or not when the ultrasound tech talks about my ultrasound as she is doing it.  She asked me if I had done a sonohystogram (sp?) and if the results were okay.  I said yes.  And that was the end of the conversation.  When I saw the fertility doctor, she didn't say anything.  So what am I to think?

Well, maybe IUI in the next couple of days...we'll see if it works!

So tired...

I can't believe how unbelieveably tired I am. I don't know if it's stress or all these hormone injections. I just feel like melting into the ground and staying there.

I'm thinking ovulation really wants to happen because of the cervical mucous I'm having but my body is fighting it (well the orgalutran injections are). Geez, my body must be so confused.

Well, we had sex two nights ago...probably no help. Did I just make sex sound boring....oops.

Thoughts:
Why do all these hormone injections sound like scientific drugs used on monkeys?

Sent from my iPod

Month 3, Day 9

Fertility Clinic Visit.

I'm producing 3 good looking eggs (why...thank you), but I had to start on Orgalutran injections (on top of my Puregon injections) to ensure that they don't ovulate before we want them to. That's what happened last time.

The Orgalutran injections hurt like a bugger. I ain't going to lie. But is it weird that I'm getting used to getting bloodwork (my arms look like I've been shooting up) and the transvaginal ultrasound EACH time I go to the Fertility Clinic?

I do admit I have caught up a lot of leisurely reading while waiting my turn.

Thought:
I can never decide which credit card to use when I pay for my fertility drugs to rack up my points on. I think if I used my Airmiles card each time, I'd have enough to fly somewhere by now.
Sent from my BlackBerry device.

Month 3, Day 8

So today was a bad day emotionally.  I just wasn't "present" anywhere I was.

I think I ovulated early, just judging by my cervical mucous.  So I don't know what is happening.

I had an e-mail conversation with a friend today and she didn't know what IUI was, so I explained it to her.  Her response to me was how great it was because there are so many other options, so much hope.

My response was so negative and bland, I actually felt bad.  I had said:
"I have to be honest. I wonder if its a good thing that we have all these options. Maybe it would have been better not to and then I don't spend years (and lots of money...I'm spending almost 1000 a month on hormones alone) hoping one of these options would work and intead maybe concentrate on something like adoption."

I'm so glad I have my Fertility EClass....

Month 3, Day 7

So I thought I'd tell you my current situation.

I am taking January of this year as Month 1 since this is when I really started aggressive treatment. Keeping in my mind that we've been trying since 2006.

Fertility Clinic:
So as of today, Month 3, Day 7, I have been on Puregon 125u injections for 4 days now. As well, I'm on Sythyroid 0.025mg once a day to correct my irregular low thyroid hormone.

Naturopathic Medicine:
I've been on Omega-3 liquid once a day and Basic Prenatal vitamins 3x a day. As well, today I started acupuncture. Today was focused on the rise of my yin and to help with the ovulation (follicular) phase of my cycle.

It was my first ever acupuncture and it was different. It did hurt sharply at first but then it dissipated. At one point one needle started to hurt afterwards because I moved. Apparently it was placed between two tendons and when I moved it just got lodged into the wrong place. There were 4 needle points.

Feelings:
I broke down after hearing a song. I bawled. I was just frustrated and wondering if it'll ever happen for me. I've been avoiding "bad" foods, my teas, cough medicines, and junk food. I've been trying to eat better and cook more, but now all I want to do it curl up with a costco size bag of chips and a 2L pop in front of the TV and do nothing.

Sent from my iPod

The beginning...

I've been wanting to blog for a while now but my hubby didn't want all our friends knowing everything that is happening with us, so I decided to create this blog with a fake name.  I guess I'll see how anonymous blogspot can be.

So I thought I'd start from the beginning.  My hubby and I have have been together for a while now, but when we first got married, I just wasn't ready to have a child.  We had both never lived alone, so I didn't feel ready to bring a child into the world when we were still trying to get used to each other.

After a few years of marriage, we finally decided to start trying to conceive (TTC).  After a few months of trying, I took a trip and when I returned, I suddenly felt like I wasn't ready to have a baby because I still had other things I wanted to do with my life.  When I brought this up with my hubby, he accused me of being selfish.  We had a fight that lead to divorce talks.

Fortunately, we realized that we both loved each other and wanted to stay together and work through our problems by improving our communication.  We knew we needed to share our feelings, even if it may risk hurting the other.  I kept my hubby from knowing how I really felt, and that was frustration from TTC.  So to fill the void I was feeling, I decided to enroll back into school to keep me pre-occupied.

Now, you don't know me, but I am a perfectionist.  I am a definite Type A personality that wishes things to happen as soon as I put my mind to it.  so it was frustrating that my friends and family around me could try in the first month to have a baby and voila!  A baby. 

After a couple of months of taking a break from TTC, we decided to start trying again.  After two years of TTC...still nothing.  So my hubby encouraged me to see my gynecologist (GYNE) to get tested in case there were any fertility issues.  I resisted for a while because at this point in time I denied that anything was wrong.  I didn't want to know if something was wrong.  If I found out something was wrong and that I couldn't have children, I would be horribly devastated.

Almost a year later, I finally made the call, but with my GYNE being so busy, I didn't get an appointment until a few months later.  When I finally saw my GYNE, she had me run several tests and we found out I had a cyst on my right ovary and polyps in my uterus.  She sent me to a fertility specialist (FS) for a consult and the FS told me I had to have surgery to remove the cysts and polyps or she didn't think IUI or IVF should be done.

So I had the surgery done late last year.  I had never had surgery or ever been "put under" so I didn't get much sleep the night before the procedure.  It was pretty quick, but I had a bad reaction to the anesthetic where I couldn't stop vomiting.  I recovered a day or two later.  I had a D&C to remove the polyps and it was discovered I had cysts on both ovaries so they were both removed and it was confirmed to be endometriosis.

Prior to the surgery, we continued to see the FS for ovulation monitoring and tried naturally.  Since the surgery I've been placed on hormone injections.  The first month I was placed on Bravelle which resulted in the production of one egg.  We attempted IUI, but it was unsuccessful.  The second month I was placed on Puregon and produced 3 eggs, but ended up ovulating earlier than expected so no IUI was performed and we tried naturally.  I was hopeful that I was pregnant (since I had 3 eggs floating around), but unfortunately, it didn't.

So here I sit, third month of being placed on hormones after 4 years of trying.  It is currently Day 7 of my cycle and today I started acupuncture.  I decided to start seeing a naturopath to help me in conjunction with my FS.


Throughout my journey so far, I have figured out things I have come to dislike:

1. Going to the zoo.  That was the most difficult thing I have encountered since beginning this journey.  Everyone at the zoo is pregnant or onto their third or fourth child.  After being there for a couple of hours, I felt like crawling into a hole and never coming out.  I even texted my husband informing him I am not sure I ever wanted to go to the zoo again.
2. People constantly asking me when I was going to have a baby and that it is about that time.  I just always feel like shouting "YOU DON'T THINK I'M TRYING???" 
3. People telling me to relax and that it'll come in time.  When?  When will it come?
4. Its upsetting to hear "don't worry" all the time.  When does this phrase start to run dry?

I'm hoping that blogging will give me a perspective on timelines (a fault I have because I often think one month feels like a year of TTC) and allow me to share my feelings with others in order to help me (and hopefully you) from going insane.

You are welcome to post any questions that you may have for me.  Let the blogging begin! :)